Ugly Aussies

I've always been, quietly, proud to be Australian. I don't wave flags or tattoo myself with the Southern Cross or put a "Straya: Love it or leave" sticker on my car. I was just proud of what we were and what we had done in the world.

Dearly Beloved and I have just returned from a 26-day cruise: Fremantle to Fremantle, including Bali, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Malaysia. We're both disappointed, and appalled, by what we saw on the ship. We saw the Ugly Australian.

Let me say I'm no middle class snob: I was born very firmly working class Australian. But my Mum and Dad were also very strict on the "right" way to behave in society.

So let me make a few observations:

"Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi" is a bloody abomination. Stop it. You do NOT shout it out, very loudly, in a ship's dining room to see which moron answers.

"Smart casual" dining wear is NOT the black thongs and Bintang T-shirt.

Tatts are definitely your personal choice ... but I don't want to see them, especially, ladies, if they're in places that could be described as "intimate".

It's not really OK to walk around the ship with a beer in a stubby cubby and another one tucked in a pocket or (even worse) under an armpit. FFS, if you want a drink, buy one at the bar, like normal people.

Shouting does not make you funnier. Nor does dropping the "f" and "c" words in front of my wife. Next time, I WILL react, even if it means I'll get punched out.

No, you did NOT "bargain the little Bali c**t" down to $30AUD for a genuine Apple watch. You're a moron; it will not work, and somewhere a Balinese merchant is toasting your utter stupidity.

If you must wear thongs, at least have a pedicure!

No, the crew are not "funny little people" to be patronised and patted on the head; they are human beings like everyone else, with families and worries and concerns the same as the rest of us.

No, it's not OK to "touch test" the fruit and vegies in the buffet to see if they're "OK".

Pushing someone (quite literally) out of the way to get a glass of free champagne at the Captain's speech night is not acceptable. Nor is taking 4 or 6 glasses and "stockpiling" them. When did greed become King?

Enough! Basta!

I know I shouldn't whinge because I am privileged enough to have been able to afford the trip in the first place.

But, Dear Lord, must we demean ourselves quite so much?